Hi, I don't consent to this.
That's my new revolutionary phrase I'm going to be using with everyone whether I know you or not.
And I'm going to be using that phrase whenever you try to engage me into an argument, or try to pull me into politics, or tell me about some cultural thing I don't want to hear about.
I'm not going to be using this all the time.
But I will use it if I am talking to someone and then they suddenly tell me that I need to be paying more attention to the news (which I do not).
Or if they tell me I need to be more engaged in politics (which I refuse to do because I'm sick of it).
Or if they tell me I need to listen to some fucking thought leader about how I should revolutionize the way we're going to change America together and all this bullshit.
I don't give a fuck. That's not my problem.
You know what my problem is?
I have balloons all over my house.
You know why?
Because I'm a jovial person.
I am an elf. I am a magical creature. I am a half-mythical human being.
And as such, I don't argue, and I don't want to do anything but have fun and have sex and have laughs.
Literally, my motto in life is:
“Laugh and come.”
Do you understand?
Where in that motto is politics, culture or society?
Nowhere, man.
What the shit, man?
And if you scream at me for any fuckimg reason whatsoever, that's it!
I do not consent to you screaming at me, or you arguing with me.
None of that bullshit.
If I say I don't consent to this, I expect you to shut the fuck up.
I don't want you to scream at me.
Let me tell you how much I don't like people screaming at me.
I have broken up with multiple people for screaming at me for no reason whatsoever.
Many years ago, I was dating somebody here in Las Vegas, and when people found out that I was dating this person, everybody said the same thing:
“Oh my God, Doug, you're dating the hottest person in town.”
And then I said, naturally:
“Well first of all, I'm the hottest person in town so fuck you. And then second of all, I know they're the hottest person in town. And they're great.”
And we had a relationship for a few months, and then one day, for no reason whatsoever, this person — while completely naked — started walking around me in a circle (in a circle!), screaming at me, because they didn't like some friend of mine.
Just literally, at the top of their voice, they were screaming, like:
“I don't want you to be hanging around that person!!”
Guess what I did.
I broke up with that person.
I don't give a shit.
I thought I might marry that person.
But one scream and out.
Then, years later, I dated somebody else who screamed at me and screamed at me — and out.
I've fucking have had it with everybody screaming at me and trying to argue with me, and they keep dragging me through it (even when I'm telling someone I don't want to be part of a conversation).
Anyway, this is non consensual, that's why I do not consent.
So from here on out, you can borrow this phrase, and it might bring you some peace, I don't know, we're gonna find out.
This is a brand new phrase I just came up with.
I am going to be using it when anybody screams at me or tries to draw me into an argument.
I don't give a fuck.
If you're trying to start an argument with me, I can guarantee you, you're not going to win the argument, because the only way to win an argument is to win somebody over to your side.
Guess what.
No one has ever argued at me and got me to agree to change my politics, to be more engaged with the news, to go hiking, or anything else.
Nobody convinces me of shit.
So you can just hold your fucking breath. You're just wasting it.
Waste your breath on somebody else.
You're not going to convince me.
I am an Elfman with balloons in my house.
Is that who you really want on your side?
Do you really want me to be like:
“Hey everybody, listen to me about politics … because I have 100 balloons on my floor in my house! That is a REAL reason you should listen to me.”
My last name is Elfman, you don't take that seriously.
This is my other new motto:
I don't take anything seriously, and I don't take serious people seriously.
You know why?
Because the serious people are the people who keep bothering me.
Now look, do I recognize that there are politics in the world? Yes.
Do I vote? Obviously.
Do I engage with America? Of course! How can you not?
But guess what?
I'm going to spend 99.9% of my hours of living having fun and laughing it up and having a good time.
Do I look like someone who takes shit seriously?
Wait, you know what? I do look like somebody who takes shit seriously.
Look at me.
I look like the prototypical American man who takes everything seriously — like, grrr, with gnashing of teeth.
I was trying to tell a friend of mine just last night that when I go places in town in Vegas, sometimes people assume I'm a certain kind of person. They're like:
“Oh that guy's going to be one of those, you know, crazy political extremists.”
Then they come up to me, and I'm super friendly, like:
“Hey! How's it going? Want some balloons on your floor? I don't give a shit!”
You know, I do care about the world. Obviously.
I was a history minor in college. I know more about history and politics than a lot of people.
I also was a journalist at newspapers for many years, and I had to write about politics and talk to people about politics, and culture.
For the first part of my career, 10 years, I had to interview politicians and rapists and murderers, and all this bullsit and it was heavy fucking duty shit, man. Heavy duty.
I covered dead bodies on the side of the road!
And before that, when I was in college, I helped organize big, giant political rebellions and shit.
I've been on the ground! I have done shit!
I've also done phone banking for politicians.
But not now.
Now nobody wants me on their side anyway. Look at me.
Do I look like somebody who you want on your side of politics?
No, I look like I'm gonna be grumpy.
I'm not grumpy!
Look, I have balloons on my floor.
Balloons!
I am an elf man, and I have balloons on my floor, and I just want to laugh and have sex, and that's it!
Ta da!
I just need to start telling serious people:
“I don't consent to this.”
That's my new motto.
I have several mottos.
My number one life motto is:
“Laugh and come.”
My number two motto is:
“No arguing, no suffering.”
Number three is:
“I don't consent to this” if it's not about laughing and having fun and enjoying life.
You know, there was this really great thing, once upon a time, called The 2000-year-old Man, where Mel Brooks was playing this 2000-year-old man, and then he was asked what the secret to life was, or whatever his motto for life was.
And he said:
“To live.”
And then the interviewer says:
“That's it? To live?”
And then Mel Brooks goes:
“No, not to live … TO LIVE!”
That's my motto. I want TO LIVE, I don't want to argue.
OK, I love you, have fun telling people that you don't consent to this.
