Death To Mosquitoes! Why They Pee On You, Have Dirty Foot Fetishes, And Hate Light Blue Shirts.

Did you know? Mosquitoes pee on you because they suck so much of your blood (to develop their evil little baby eggs), that they get overheated, and the best way to cool down apparently is to douse you in their pee. 

What ossholes.

Did you also know? Mosquitoes have killed half of all of the humans who have ever lived.

Half!

The all-time number one killer of humans isn't war, domestic violence, cancer or eating too many delicious donuts.

It's focking mosquitoes.

There have been an estimated 108 billion human beings alive on Earth so far, in the past 200,000 years, and mosquitoes have killed an estimated 52 billion of us by giving us diseases like malaria.

Yes, birds and other living things feed off of them.

I do not care.

Kill the mosquitoes.

Plus, they have dirty foot fetishes. They are attracted to dirty feet and socks because they smell like Limburger cheese, which is one of their favorite smells apparently.

Mosquitoes also probably prefer Barry Manilow to other music. Why?

Scientists who hate mosquitoes found that when they loudly played Skrillex's dubstep “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites,” Skrillex’s electronic dance music messed up mosquitoes’ radars.

So mosquitoes are likely more into Barry Manilow, because there are never enough anti-Barry Manilow put-downs in this world, evidently.

So what are the current ways to stop mosquitoes from biting you? 

SAFEST: A FAN

They aren't strong enough to fly in a simple box fan's wind breeze.

Plus, fans blow away your scent signature, which confuses the hell out of mosquitoes, and they go looking for you in a different place, wherever your scent gets blown to.

WEAR ANTI-MOSQUITO COLORS

Anti-mosquito colors: Light blue. White. Beige. Light grey. Yellow.

Pro-mosquito colors: Black. Navy blue. Red. Orange. Cyan.

Why?

Light blue reflects light. To a mosquito, if you're wearing light blue, you look like the open, empty sky with no blood to feed off of.

White, beige and light grey bounce light away. Mosquitoes have super sensitive eyes that are easily blinded and thrown off by bright reflective surfaces. So these colors mess up their vision and don't appear to be life forms to them.

Green and yellow are colors mosquitoes ignore because they hunt in grassy leafy areas, so if you're wearing those hues, mosquitoes think you're just vegetation that needs to be skipped.

Black and dark navy blue, they like, because those colors absorb heat and look like a dark shadow—just like an animal hiding in the shade!

Red, orange and cyan are colors mosquitoes lock their eyes onto because human skin naturally gives off reds and oranges to mosquito eyes. 

The little bostards.

BODY CHEMICALS

Also, there are two different types of anti-mosquito chemicals. 

Permethrin is for your clothes. It's a mosquito-killing insecticide which survives six washing machine cycles (and it is toxic to cats when it's wet).

And DEET or Picaridin are for your skin. They cloud your scent so mosquitoes can't smell your carbon dioxide, which is their version of catnip or a barbeque party in North Carolina.

Picaridin is the better choice since it's a synthetic version of a compound found in pepper plants.

DEET feels greasy, and it will melt or damage synthetic fabrics, plastics and watch faces if it drips on them.

DEATH TO MOSQUITOES 

I hereby nominate mosquitoes as the worst thing on earth. 

Do not pity them.

They are evil and they must be destroyed.