'Matchmaker' puts 'reality' at new low
January 22, 2008
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
Bravo's new "Millionaire Matchmaker" sets up dates between a sex-toy king and a roomful of ding-a-lings. The caliber of female in this reality show reminds me of something that Dorothy Parker once said: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
Tonight's debut co-stars a guy nicknamed "Sex Toy Dave," because that's where he made his bank. He claims that he wants to settle down, but he won't stop partying with girls who ride his stripper pole next to his "penis cactus" in the living room of his mansion.
Even crazier? The different men in each episode -- as well as their potential sugar babes -- can't have sex until they enter a committed relationship. That's like buying suspicious milk without smelling it.
There's a lot of interesting train wreckage to be viewed in "Millionaire Matchmaker." But Patti Stanger is the big-mouth reason to watch. She founded L.A.'s Millionaire's Club, the focus of this show. And she cannot stop uttering things that make her seem abrasive, thoughtful, funny, shallow and utterly moronic.
If they make a movie about her, I suggest that grating comedian Gilbert Gottfried play her. Isn't that what every woman wants to hear?
For instance, Stanger is great at telling "Sex Toy Dave" his expectations are dumb, since he wants Mrs. Right to fit into his party mansion lifestyle.
But then, Stanger invites into the Millionaire's Club an aspiring model-actress who lives off daddy's money, and a personal trainer who brags, "I've always thought of myself as an heiress-type person." Tee-hee.
Most disturbing, Stanger advises a woman not to introduce herself as a doctor when she greets a man. Why not?
"If you lead with your business foot, then the man's ding-dong down there goes down. He doesn't want to compete in the bedroom," Stanger says. Ick.
So as fascinating as this show is, it's hard to take seriously (as if that's a prerequisite for reality shows), because it seems to operate on the theory of a Chris Rock joke that went:
"You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative."
Would Rep. Gold Digger please step forward? Your fakey presence is requested for a possible marriage to a fakey rich goober with no personality.
delfman@suntimes.com
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
Bravo's new "Millionaire Matchmaker" sets up dates between a sex-toy king and a roomful of ding-a-lings. The caliber of female in this reality show reminds me of something that Dorothy Parker once said: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
Tonight's debut co-stars a guy nicknamed "Sex Toy Dave," because that's where he made his bank. He claims that he wants to settle down, but he won't stop partying with girls who ride his stripper pole next to his "penis cactus" in the living room of his mansion.
Even crazier? The different men in each episode -- as well as their potential sugar babes -- can't have sex until they enter a committed relationship. That's like buying suspicious milk without smelling it.
There's a lot of interesting train wreckage to be viewed in "Millionaire Matchmaker." But Patti Stanger is the big-mouth reason to watch. She founded L.A.'s Millionaire's Club, the focus of this show. And she cannot stop uttering things that make her seem abrasive, thoughtful, funny, shallow and utterly moronic.
If they make a movie about her, I suggest that grating comedian Gilbert Gottfried play her. Isn't that what every woman wants to hear?
For instance, Stanger is great at telling "Sex Toy Dave" his expectations are dumb, since he wants Mrs. Right to fit into his party mansion lifestyle.
But then, Stanger invites into the Millionaire's Club an aspiring model-actress who lives off daddy's money, and a personal trainer who brags, "I've always thought of myself as an heiress-type person." Tee-hee.
Most disturbing, Stanger advises a woman not to introduce herself as a doctor when she greets a man. Why not?
"If you lead with your business foot, then the man's ding-dong down there goes down. He doesn't want to compete in the bedroom," Stanger says. Ick.
So as fascinating as this show is, it's hard to take seriously (as if that's a prerequisite for reality shows), because it seems to operate on the theory of a Chris Rock joke that went:
"You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative."
Would Rep. Gold Digger please step forward? Your fakey presence is requested for a possible marriage to a fakey rich goober with no personality.
delfman@suntimes.com
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