Stop acting like a child!; Kids on TV -- how simply delightful. NOT!
Chicago Sun-Times, Oct 21, 2007 by Doug Elfman
Kids say the darndest things, like the little girl who didn't want to pray with non-Christians on "Kid Nation": "I don't want to be with Jewish people or atheist people, or anything like that."
That girl really makes you finally believe Nina Tassler, the CBS president of entertainment. This summer, Tassler tried to convince skeptical TV critics that the kids on her show had a "statement" to express:
"I think it will surprise virtually every person in this room when ... you hear the astute comments that they make."
Yes, "Kid Nation" is astute. It couldn't possibly signal the need to ban all children under 16 from entering professional show business ever again. Nooo, a legal ban on professional child performers would be insaaane.
I know it would break your heart if you didn't get to see cute TV kids -- who haven't formed superegos yet -- eating slop, cleaning outhouses and screaming at each other until they cry. Especially since their very responsible parents went to the trouble of pulling their offspring out of school for 40 days to star in a reality- competition show.
A law against child actors? Perish the thought. I know you couldn't live without the antics of the next Danny Bonaduces, Britney Spearses, Lindsay Lohans, Paris Hiltons, Dana Platos, River Phoenixes and Coreys.
I know it would tear you apart not to see any more Olsen twin babies forced to spend their whole "Truman Show" existence growing up in public, until one of them went into rehab.
Who cares if sensible people consider "Kid Nation" an odious, putrid and villainous mismanagement of 40 children ages 8 to 14? Producer Tom Forman is nothing but a hero for helming this eye- opening spectacular.
After all, there was this one astute conversation between a girl and a cursing boy that went:
Boy: "Everybody just shut up and get away from me right now!"
Girl: "You're acting like the village idiot!"
Surely, it was astute when an 8-year-old was questioned about leaving the set after he went into hiding from other kids, and cried to go home.
"I think I'm way too young for this. It's scary," the boy said.
Host Jonathan Karsh exclaimed, "Do you want to leave this entire experience and go back home?!"
"Yeah," the kid squeaked.
Certainly, it was astute when kids chugged root beer while screaming "go, go, go" as if they were pounding at a kegger. OK, it looked like binge training, but that was way more astute than when kids began to casually toss back root beer out of shot glasses in their saloon.
You have to admit, it was clever of CBS, in all its Cuban-like autocracy, to convince parents of these kids to sign agreements promising never (for the rest of their lives) to talk publicly about the show. Anyone who speaks without CBS' approval may face a $5 million breach-of-contract fine.
During filming, four of their kids drank a little bleach accidentally, and another kid burned her face, but whatever, kids do the silliest things! That's why it was sheer genius of CBS to write into this $5,000 contract (just $5,000 per kid!) a clause that said parents couldn't sue if their kids contracted disease, lost a leg or died. Isn't that awesome? CBS worked around one or maybe even two basic rights of 40 families. So smart, those lawyers!
And the parents signed the contracts.
Clearly, Hollywood executives and moms and dads can totally be trusted with children's show business futures.
Maybe someday, some of these kids will turn on their parents. I hope not! It would be just like when other former child performers developed rifts with their parents, like Angelina Jolie, Brooke Shields, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Gary Coleman and Macaulay Culkin. They're just ungrateful!
And really, who needs laws to protect children from stage parents and L.A. suits?
Not CBS. To try to navigate mean old child welfare laws, "Kid Nation" lawyers declared the series to be a summer camp, as opposed to the TV production that you're watching right in front of your eyes.
Communist nations don't need to adhere to American ideals, either. Maybe we've all been too hard on the Commies. Commies ... corporations ... commies ... corporations. Hmm, what's the difference, again?
Oh, that's right, the difference is marketing prowess! The original title of "Kid" was "The Manhattan Project" -- you know, like the project that invented the nuclear bomb.
What an achievement. The FCC won't even allow adults to say curse words on broadcast TV, because kids might be watching. But CBS paid kids to toil on a set where they curse each other (it's muted on the air), so CBS can sell ads to Mazda and Denny's. Money talks, baby!
When the kids went home, they couldn't be legally left alone without parental supervision. But for the show, there had to be child psychologists behind the scenes to help them cope without their parents during "this entire experience." Such chutzpah, network execs!
Hail, hail, CBS. The new Cuba. May it long honor laws, constitutional rights, ethics and dignity. Casting has already begun for "Kid Nation 2." Make sure you send in a headshot. Prey, I mean pray, that your kid will be next!
THE GOOD SEEDS
1 On "Ugly Betty," Mark Indelicato, 13, portrays the first almost openly gay child on a TV show. Chris Rock used to joke some kids are obviously gay, they just don't have anybody to be gay with. Mark's character, Justin, seems like that. He hasn't come out of the closet, but he's being positioned as a flamboyant gay man to come. The role may give some kids the feeling they're not alone. And Mark is great in the part.
2 Bindi Irwin, 9, isn't just some precocious little Aussie trading on a famous name. The Crocodile Hunter's daughter is charismatically leading a pro-environment series, "Bindi, The Jungle Girl," that is so entertaining, the social awareness messages don't feel anything close to preaching. She's honoring her dad's legacy remarkably well.
3 Madeleine Martin, 15, plays the only child on TV with an intellectual and literary brain, and an age-appropriate BS detector. As the daughter of David Duchovny's Hank on "Californication," her 12-year-old character Becca talks to her split parents with a searing honesty that hasn't been done this well on screen since, maybe, Quinn Cummings' performance as Lucy in the 1977 film "The Goodbye Girl." Madeleine is magnificent.
4 Tyler James Williams, 15, faced a tough challenge when he won the lead in "Everybody Hates Chris" two years ago. He had to portray a young Chris Rock, minus the cussing. But "Chris" has become a fun family show (cleaner than some shows on ABC Family). And Tyler gives captivating performances as a put-upon kid growing up poor in New York.
5 Angus T. Jones has an unenviable part, playing the half-man in "Two and a Half Men," specifically performing as Charlie Sheen's nephew. The show isn't funny, but Angus, 14, brings a naturalness to his role. And if my one interview with him this summer was any indication, he is slightly addicted only to video games.
Doug Elfman
Kids say the darndest things, like the little girl who didn't want to pray with non-Christians on "Kid Nation": "I don't want to be with Jewish people or atheist people, or anything like that."
That girl really makes you finally believe Nina Tassler, the CBS president of entertainment. This summer, Tassler tried to convince skeptical TV critics that the kids on her show had a "statement" to express:
"I think it will surprise virtually every person in this room when ... you hear the astute comments that they make."
Yes, "Kid Nation" is astute. It couldn't possibly signal the need to ban all children under 16 from entering professional show business ever again. Nooo, a legal ban on professional child performers would be insaaane.
I know it would break your heart if you didn't get to see cute TV kids -- who haven't formed superegos yet -- eating slop, cleaning outhouses and screaming at each other until they cry. Especially since their very responsible parents went to the trouble of pulling their offspring out of school for 40 days to star in a reality- competition show.
A law against child actors? Perish the thought. I know you couldn't live without the antics of the next Danny Bonaduces, Britney Spearses, Lindsay Lohans, Paris Hiltons, Dana Platos, River Phoenixes and Coreys.
I know it would tear you apart not to see any more Olsen twin babies forced to spend their whole "Truman Show" existence growing up in public, until one of them went into rehab.
Who cares if sensible people consider "Kid Nation" an odious, putrid and villainous mismanagement of 40 children ages 8 to 14? Producer Tom Forman is nothing but a hero for helming this eye- opening spectacular.
After all, there was this one astute conversation between a girl and a cursing boy that went:
Boy: "Everybody just shut up and get away from me right now!"
Girl: "You're acting like the village idiot!"
Surely, it was astute when an 8-year-old was questioned about leaving the set after he went into hiding from other kids, and cried to go home.
"I think I'm way too young for this. It's scary," the boy said.
Host Jonathan Karsh exclaimed, "Do you want to leave this entire experience and go back home?!"
"Yeah," the kid squeaked.
Certainly, it was astute when kids chugged root beer while screaming "go, go, go" as if they were pounding at a kegger. OK, it looked like binge training, but that was way more astute than when kids began to casually toss back root beer out of shot glasses in their saloon.
You have to admit, it was clever of CBS, in all its Cuban-like autocracy, to convince parents of these kids to sign agreements promising never (for the rest of their lives) to talk publicly about the show. Anyone who speaks without CBS' approval may face a $5 million breach-of-contract fine.
During filming, four of their kids drank a little bleach accidentally, and another kid burned her face, but whatever, kids do the silliest things! That's why it was sheer genius of CBS to write into this $5,000 contract (just $5,000 per kid!) a clause that said parents couldn't sue if their kids contracted disease, lost a leg or died. Isn't that awesome? CBS worked around one or maybe even two basic rights of 40 families. So smart, those lawyers!
And the parents signed the contracts.
Clearly, Hollywood executives and moms and dads can totally be trusted with children's show business futures.
Maybe someday, some of these kids will turn on their parents. I hope not! It would be just like when other former child performers developed rifts with their parents, like Angelina Jolie, Brooke Shields, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Gary Coleman and Macaulay Culkin. They're just ungrateful!
And really, who needs laws to protect children from stage parents and L.A. suits?
Not CBS. To try to navigate mean old child welfare laws, "Kid Nation" lawyers declared the series to be a summer camp, as opposed to the TV production that you're watching right in front of your eyes.
Communist nations don't need to adhere to American ideals, either. Maybe we've all been too hard on the Commies. Commies ... corporations ... commies ... corporations. Hmm, what's the difference, again?
Oh, that's right, the difference is marketing prowess! The original title of "Kid" was "The Manhattan Project" -- you know, like the project that invented the nuclear bomb.
What an achievement. The FCC won't even allow adults to say curse words on broadcast TV, because kids might be watching. But CBS paid kids to toil on a set where they curse each other (it's muted on the air), so CBS can sell ads to Mazda and Denny's. Money talks, baby!
When the kids went home, they couldn't be legally left alone without parental supervision. But for the show, there had to be child psychologists behind the scenes to help them cope without their parents during "this entire experience." Such chutzpah, network execs!
Hail, hail, CBS. The new Cuba. May it long honor laws, constitutional rights, ethics and dignity. Casting has already begun for "Kid Nation 2." Make sure you send in a headshot. Prey, I mean pray, that your kid will be next!
THE GOOD SEEDS
1 On "Ugly Betty," Mark Indelicato, 13, portrays the first almost openly gay child on a TV show. Chris Rock used to joke some kids are obviously gay, they just don't have anybody to be gay with. Mark's character, Justin, seems like that. He hasn't come out of the closet, but he's being positioned as a flamboyant gay man to come. The role may give some kids the feeling they're not alone. And Mark is great in the part.
2 Bindi Irwin, 9, isn't just some precocious little Aussie trading on a famous name. The Crocodile Hunter's daughter is charismatically leading a pro-environment series, "Bindi, The Jungle Girl," that is so entertaining, the social awareness messages don't feel anything close to preaching. She's honoring her dad's legacy remarkably well.
3 Madeleine Martin, 15, plays the only child on TV with an intellectual and literary brain, and an age-appropriate BS detector. As the daughter of David Duchovny's Hank on "Californication," her 12-year-old character Becca talks to her split parents with a searing honesty that hasn't been done this well on screen since, maybe, Quinn Cummings' performance as Lucy in the 1977 film "The Goodbye Girl." Madeleine is magnificent.
4 Tyler James Williams, 15, faced a tough challenge when he won the lead in "Everybody Hates Chris" two years ago. He had to portray a young Chris Rock, minus the cussing. But "Chris" has become a fun family show (cleaner than some shows on ABC Family). And Tyler gives captivating performances as a put-upon kid growing up poor in New York.
5 Angus T. Jones has an unenviable part, playing the half-man in "Two and a Half Men," specifically performing as Charlie Sheen's nephew. The show isn't funny, but Angus, 14, brings a naturalness to his role. And if my one interview with him this summer was any indication, he is slightly addicted only to video games.
Doug Elfman
Comments