Soap opry misses by country mile
September 14, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
Hi, my name is Clint, and I'm a big stupid doofus from Texas starring in a new "docu-soap" called "Nashville," where me and a bunch of other country singers try to become famous, like those girls did on "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County."
In the first episode, I tell Rachel she's reeeal pretty and I have feelings for her, so she dumps her boyfriend, then saunters over to my party. But I don't like it when girls take me all serious-like, so I ignore her and she storms out.
There's a scene where I'm shootin' pool with this guy, and I tell him I get in trouble with girls all the time, because they actually believe me. Girls are so gullible.
But I can't blame 'em. I'm fatless, and I talk real smooth lines, like, "I like kissin' people's hands," and, "You might be the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen."
Can you believe girls fall for this? They're just crazy.
Any damn way, Rachel gets all up in my grill and texts me, "Stay away from me!" So, naturally, I call her and ask her to meet me on a bridge and she does. Ha ha, sucker.
I don't want to give away too much of this first episode, but there are other girls whose hands need to be kissed, if you catch my drift.
Rachel is Terry Bradshaw's daughter. He's a lovin' father, and they get along real nice. She tells him she wants to go to Nashville for one reason. To be famous!
Rachel says, "I want to be a star and I want everybody to love my music and believe in what I'm singing and come to my concerts!"
You gotta hand it to her for sayin' she wants to be a celebrity, instead of sayin' she just wants to be a great singer. What is quality without fame?! And she's got a good throat, and all, but you don't want to waste that blond on not bein' famous!
Another person on this show is Mika. She's from Hazard, Ky., a real-life coal miner's daughter. Her mom tells her she's "naive to the world," but Mika treks on over to Nashville anyway, because all she wants to do is sing -- "all or nothing."
She's sweet. And she's got a hand that my lips wanna meet.
Some people, like this TV critic in Chicago, say that Nashville industry music is all hat and no cattle: nothin' but affectations with no truth or individuality. But what I say is Nashville is great, because it's gonna make me famous!
Well, that's about it for me for now. Tune in to this show if you want to see us musicians trying to be famous more than anything else in the whole world. You'll also hear a few tunes that go, "Well I got my first truck when I was 3 ..." and "We're movin' at the speed of love!" Ain't that romantic?
delfman@suntimes.com
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
Hi, my name is Clint, and I'm a big stupid doofus from Texas starring in a new "docu-soap" called "Nashville," where me and a bunch of other country singers try to become famous, like those girls did on "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County."
In the first episode, I tell Rachel she's reeeal pretty and I have feelings for her, so she dumps her boyfriend, then saunters over to my party. But I don't like it when girls take me all serious-like, so I ignore her and she storms out.
There's a scene where I'm shootin' pool with this guy, and I tell him I get in trouble with girls all the time, because they actually believe me. Girls are so gullible.
But I can't blame 'em. I'm fatless, and I talk real smooth lines, like, "I like kissin' people's hands," and, "You might be the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen."
Can you believe girls fall for this? They're just crazy.
Any damn way, Rachel gets all up in my grill and texts me, "Stay away from me!" So, naturally, I call her and ask her to meet me on a bridge and she does. Ha ha, sucker.
I don't want to give away too much of this first episode, but there are other girls whose hands need to be kissed, if you catch my drift.
Rachel is Terry Bradshaw's daughter. He's a lovin' father, and they get along real nice. She tells him she wants to go to Nashville for one reason. To be famous!
Rachel says, "I want to be a star and I want everybody to love my music and believe in what I'm singing and come to my concerts!"
You gotta hand it to her for sayin' she wants to be a celebrity, instead of sayin' she just wants to be a great singer. What is quality without fame?! And she's got a good throat, and all, but you don't want to waste that blond on not bein' famous!
Another person on this show is Mika. She's from Hazard, Ky., a real-life coal miner's daughter. Her mom tells her she's "naive to the world," but Mika treks on over to Nashville anyway, because all she wants to do is sing -- "all or nothing."
She's sweet. And she's got a hand that my lips wanna meet.
Some people, like this TV critic in Chicago, say that Nashville industry music is all hat and no cattle: nothin' but affectations with no truth or individuality. But what I say is Nashville is great, because it's gonna make me famous!
Well, that's about it for me for now. Tune in to this show if you want to see us musicians trying to be famous more than anything else in the whole world. You'll also hear a few tunes that go, "Well I got my first truck when I was 3 ..." and "We're movin' at the speed of love!" Ain't that romantic?
delfman@suntimes.com
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