Little bit corny, little bit Scary
August 30, 2007
"Dancing With the Stars" will be a hodgepodge of boogie-challenged D-listers again. Before the Sept. 24 premiere, they'd better start practicing in front of their "Silence of the Lambs" mirrors. "Scary Spice" is the favorite at 9-5 odds, as determined by me and my personal Vegas handicapper, Ched Whitney.
--Doug Elfman
JENNIE GARTH
Appeals to: Viewers who go, "Oh, it's Kelly from '90210.' " (Garth was reared in Arcola, 61910.)
Probably signed up to: Do something useless during a career pause.
Odds of winning: 10-1. Dicey. She gets migraines. One bad headache, and boom.
MARIE OSMOND
Famous for: Being "a little bit country," a lotta bit nuts.
Appeals to: Prudes. She turned down "Grease" for its sex, but "Stars" is OK? What an ode to tasteless morals.
Probably signed up to: Help her sell more dolls on QVC.
Odds of winning: 50-1. Poor. Does she even move her feet on a regular basis?
WAYNE NEWTON
Famous for: Ferris Bueller lip-syncing his "Danke Schoen" during the Von Steuben Parade.
Appeals to: Grannies who see him in concert by the thousands.
Probably signed up to: Remind us he was in "Who's Your Daddy?"
Odds of winning: 99-1. Terrible. He dances like a troll.
MELANIE "SCARY SPICE/MEL B" BROWN
Famous for: Singing bits of Spice Girls' "Wannabe."
Appeals to: Four British bloggers.
Probably signed up to: Outshine scarier-looking Skeletor, a k a Victoria Beckham, and promote the Spice Girls reunion that no one cares about.
Odds of winning: 9-5. Great. She's danced for years.
MARK CUBAN
Famous for: Being the new Mouth of the South and making his Dallas Mavericks win. Also wants to buy the Chicago Cubs.
Appeals to: Sports-crazed dudes whose wives will make them watch.
Probably signed up to: Have fun (he's lively) and smooth his rough Mavs image.
Odds of winning: 30-1. Bad. He's no dancer, though he's very competitive.
JANE SEYMOUR
Famous for: "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman."
Appeals to: People who realize, as in "Wedding Crashers," she's enthusiastically naughty.
Probably signed up to: Avoid making "Dr. Quinn Returns," co-starring Kenny Rogers.
Odds of winning: 5-1. Not bad. She's got brains and body moves.
SABRINA BRYAN
Famous for: Singing and dancing in the girl group, the Cheetah Girls.
Appeals to: Families who watch the Disney Channel.
Probably signed up to: Prove she's bigger than those other Cheetah Girls.
Odds of winning: 2-1. Very good if she can adapt to old-people dancing.
HELIO CASTRONEVES
Famous for: Winning the Indy 500 a few times.
Appeals to: Race fans, forced to watch "Stars" with their wives.
Probably signed up to: Prove how handsome he is, since he's been cast on teevee.
Odds of winning: 20-1. Poor. His legs must get cramped from all that driving, no?
FLOYD MAYWEATHER JR.
Famous for: Being the current WBC welterweight boxing champ.
Appeals to: Viewers who root for clunky musclemen to win dainty twinkle-toes contests.
Probably signed up to: Show off pecs.
Odds of winning: 3-1. Quite good. The Grand Rapids, Mich., native is a pro with the footwork, like any great, girly boxer.
CAMERON MATHISON
Famous for: Playing Ryan on "All My Children."
Appeals to: Soapy women who think he's hot, duh.
Probably signed up to: Take a gig where he's not reading 80 pages of script a day.
Odds of winning: 10-1. Dicey. As a kid, he got leg-damaging Perthes syndrome. He's been OK since. But could dance fever hurt?
ALBERT REED
Famous for: Modeling. Oh, wait, he's not famous!
Appeals to: Women who think he's hot, duh.
Probably signed up to: Take his career to the next level.
Odds of winning: 8-1. Average. As a surfer, he's got balance. But can he rub two thoughts together in his model brain to memorize steps?
JOSIE MARAN
Famous for: Modeling. Again --not famous!
Appeals to: Women who want a hot girl to root against, especially since she doesn't believe in marriage.
Probably signed up to: Do something other than standing still in front of cameras.
Odds of winning: 8-1. Average. She's bendy, since she does yoga, but then so do I.
"Dancing With the Stars" will be a hodgepodge of boogie-challenged D-listers again. Before the Sept. 24 premiere, they'd better start practicing in front of their "Silence of the Lambs" mirrors. "Scary Spice" is the favorite at 9-5 odds, as determined by me and my personal Vegas handicapper, Ched Whitney.
--Doug Elfman
JENNIE GARTH
Appeals to: Viewers who go, "Oh, it's Kelly from '90210.' " (Garth was reared in Arcola, 61910.)
Probably signed up to: Do something useless during a career pause.
Odds of winning: 10-1. Dicey. She gets migraines. One bad headache, and boom.
MARIE OSMOND
Famous for: Being "a little bit country," a lotta bit nuts.
Appeals to: Prudes. She turned down "Grease" for its sex, but "Stars" is OK? What an ode to tasteless morals.
Probably signed up to: Help her sell more dolls on QVC.
Odds of winning: 50-1. Poor. Does she even move her feet on a regular basis?
WAYNE NEWTON
Famous for: Ferris Bueller lip-syncing his "Danke Schoen" during the Von Steuben Parade.
Appeals to: Grannies who see him in concert by the thousands.
Probably signed up to: Remind us he was in "Who's Your Daddy?"
Odds of winning: 99-1. Terrible. He dances like a troll.
MELANIE "SCARY SPICE/MEL B" BROWN
Famous for: Singing bits of Spice Girls' "Wannabe."
Appeals to: Four British bloggers.
Probably signed up to: Outshine scarier-looking Skeletor, a k a Victoria Beckham, and promote the Spice Girls reunion that no one cares about.
Odds of winning: 9-5. Great. She's danced for years.
MARK CUBAN
Famous for: Being the new Mouth of the South and making his Dallas Mavericks win. Also wants to buy the Chicago Cubs.
Appeals to: Sports-crazed dudes whose wives will make them watch.
Probably signed up to: Have fun (he's lively) and smooth his rough Mavs image.
Odds of winning: 30-1. Bad. He's no dancer, though he's very competitive.
JANE SEYMOUR
Famous for: "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman."
Appeals to: People who realize, as in "Wedding Crashers," she's enthusiastically naughty.
Probably signed up to: Avoid making "Dr. Quinn Returns," co-starring Kenny Rogers.
Odds of winning: 5-1. Not bad. She's got brains and body moves.
SABRINA BRYAN
Famous for: Singing and dancing in the girl group, the Cheetah Girls.
Appeals to: Families who watch the Disney Channel.
Probably signed up to: Prove she's bigger than those other Cheetah Girls.
Odds of winning: 2-1. Very good if she can adapt to old-people dancing.
HELIO CASTRONEVES
Famous for: Winning the Indy 500 a few times.
Appeals to: Race fans, forced to watch "Stars" with their wives.
Probably signed up to: Prove how handsome he is, since he's been cast on teevee.
Odds of winning: 20-1. Poor. His legs must get cramped from all that driving, no?
FLOYD MAYWEATHER JR.
Famous for: Being the current WBC welterweight boxing champ.
Appeals to: Viewers who root for clunky musclemen to win dainty twinkle-toes contests.
Probably signed up to: Show off pecs.
Odds of winning: 3-1. Quite good. The Grand Rapids, Mich., native is a pro with the footwork, like any great, girly boxer.
CAMERON MATHISON
Famous for: Playing Ryan on "All My Children."
Appeals to: Soapy women who think he's hot, duh.
Probably signed up to: Take a gig where he's not reading 80 pages of script a day.
Odds of winning: 10-1. Dicey. As a kid, he got leg-damaging Perthes syndrome. He's been OK since. But could dance fever hurt?
ALBERT REED
Famous for: Modeling. Oh, wait, he's not famous!
Appeals to: Women who think he's hot, duh.
Probably signed up to: Take his career to the next level.
Odds of winning: 8-1. Average. As a surfer, he's got balance. But can he rub two thoughts together in his model brain to memorize steps?
JOSIE MARAN
Famous for: Modeling. Again --not famous!
Appeals to: Women who want a hot girl to root against, especially since she doesn't believe in marriage.
Probably signed up to: Do something other than standing still in front of cameras.
Odds of winning: 8-1. Average. She's bendy, since she does yoga, but then so do I.
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