The dumbest people on TV
July 1, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
You can't swing a smart fifth-grader without hitting a stupid person on TV. A lot of reality shows, commercials and sitcoms wouldn't even exist if it weren't for the simpleton lives of the Paris Hilton and other celebridopes.
The TV star who bastardizes the English language the most is George W. Bush. But at least he can mangle a complete sentence.
On "The Simple Life," Paris rarely even thinks of a word to say. She just stands there! That show should be called "See Paris Grin! Grin, Paris, Grin!"
You can quibble about which real or fictional TV character is the most moronic. But to get the ball rolling on this long ignored subject, here's my list of the dumbest people on TV.
These are current stars. That's why Barney Fife and the entire cast of "Jackass" didn't make the cut. And I've decided to be generous and not pick on the dolts at Fox News, CNN and other newscasts.
1. Flavor Flav
He's turned VH1 into the Flavor Flav channel, starring in "Flavor of Love" and inspiring other reality shows. That Viking-horn hat he wears is the village idiot's crown. By the way, he's already sired six kids. His goal is to father 10 children. If I may quote my fantasy girlfriend Liz Phair, "All these babies are born / to the wrong kind of people." The wrong kind: imbeciles.
2. The Olly Girls
The blond dumbshells Molly and Holly on E!'s "Sunset Tan." In a TV interview recently, almost the only thing either said, other than giggling constantly, was Molly's quote: "We're like, 'Hey, you want to feel our stag? Pinch and roll! Pinch and roll!' They're like, 'Oh my God, these girls are crazy!' We're like, 'Doo-do-doo.' " I have no idea what offshoot of English this even is.
3. Lauren and Heidi
The nitwits of MTV's "The Hills." Lauren's so stupid she doesn't seem to grasp her boyfriend is cheating on her, even though he's cheating on her on national TV. And here's Heidi chirping about her dating theory: "In preschool is how you're gonna be the rest of your life. Because in preschool, I was like, 'I love you, I love you, I love you,' and I used to have a new boyfriend every five minutes in preschool. Yeah, and I used to make guys fight over me. So I'm gonna start doing that again! It worked then!"
4. Paula Abdul
The "American Idol" judge might be harboring some cognitive development we don't know about, but at this point she makes zero sense about half the time. This is why Simon Cowell is always rolling his eyes while mocking her. Paula claims she has never consumed alcohol in her life. Good thing. Could booze possibly make her dumber?
5. Ralph Wiggum
Ralph's an elementary school student, so maybe it's unfair to expect him to exercise an adult intellect. But what can come of a boy who says, "My cat's breath smells like cat food" and "Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours"?
6. The Comcast tiger dude
There's a guy in a commercial who (a) doesn't understand his tiger-stripe tattoos are permanent, and (b) thinks they can be removed simply by changing his phone service provider. Yet he appears to live in a nice house. Who gave this dillweed a job?
7. Paris Hilton
Why elaborate?
8. Susan
Teri Hatcher's character on "Desperate Housewives" isn't just oafish. She's a dunce of magnificent magnitude. Theoretically, any woman can accidentally lock herself out of her own house while fully nude and get stuck in a bush, I suppose. However, Susan did so with addle-brained gusto.
9. Pat O'Brien
He isn't a dope just because he got caught up in a drug-and-sex scandal, supposedly leaving naughty, uncreative phone messages for a female co-worker. He's mostly dumb because, well, listen to him on "The Insider." Lobotomy patients around the world must rejoice that someone like O'Brien (who hasn't even had a lobotomy!) has climbed the fame mountain, celebrating celebrity birthdays with a big, cheesy smile.
10. Randy
Earl's brother (Ethan Suplee) on "My Name Is Earl" once built a tree house -- as an adult -- and posted a wrongly spelled sign reading, "No Girls Allowed," while saying, "I pooped my pants" to a TV crew. It's a tough contest to win, but Randy is the chief moron on "Earl."
THE NEXT 10
11. Ty Pennington (at right) of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (but he's succeeded despite living with ADHD, so congrats, Ty)
12. Kendra from E!'s "The Girls Next Door" ("I need to get naked real quick!")
13. Mike "Probie" (Mike Lombardi) on "Rescue Me" (severely learning-disabled and lacks very basic communication skills)
14. Anyone on ABC's "October Road" (a hit show, I think, because people watch slack-jawed at its stupidity)
15. Kenneth the NBC page (Jack McBrayer) on "30 Rock" (once knitted a wool bikini for his grandmother)
16. Shaquille O'Neal of ABC's "Shaq's Big Challenge" (please don't beat me up for listing you, Shaq; personally I think you're fantastic)
17. Butters on "South Park" (sadly, he's also parentally abused and picked on by friends)
18. Barney of "The Simpsons" (he was Harvard smart until alcohol destroyed his brain)
19. David Hasselhoff (at right) of "America's Got Talent" (hmmm, apparently alcohol is becoming a theme in this list)
20. The briefcase models for "Deal or No Deal" (or maybe they're brilliant)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) of "30 Rock"
Whoever the president is on any given season of "24"
Kate (Evangeline Lilly) on "Lost"
Izzie (Katherine Heigl) on "Grey's Anatomy"
Homer Simpson
Chris on "Family Guy"
Kelly (Mindy Kaling) on "The Office"
Drama (Kevin Dillon) on "Entourage"
Rachael Ray
Carson Daly
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
You can't swing a smart fifth-grader without hitting a stupid person on TV. A lot of reality shows, commercials and sitcoms wouldn't even exist if it weren't for the simpleton lives of the Paris Hilton and other celebridopes.
The TV star who bastardizes the English language the most is George W. Bush. But at least he can mangle a complete sentence.
On "The Simple Life," Paris rarely even thinks of a word to say. She just stands there! That show should be called "See Paris Grin! Grin, Paris, Grin!"
You can quibble about which real or fictional TV character is the most moronic. But to get the ball rolling on this long ignored subject, here's my list of the dumbest people on TV.
These are current stars. That's why Barney Fife and the entire cast of "Jackass" didn't make the cut. And I've decided to be generous and not pick on the dolts at Fox News, CNN and other newscasts.
1. Flavor Flav
He's turned VH1 into the Flavor Flav channel, starring in "Flavor of Love" and inspiring other reality shows. That Viking-horn hat he wears is the village idiot's crown. By the way, he's already sired six kids. His goal is to father 10 children. If I may quote my fantasy girlfriend Liz Phair, "All these babies are born / to the wrong kind of people." The wrong kind: imbeciles.
2. The Olly Girls
The blond dumbshells Molly and Holly on E!'s "Sunset Tan." In a TV interview recently, almost the only thing either said, other than giggling constantly, was Molly's quote: "We're like, 'Hey, you want to feel our stag? Pinch and roll! Pinch and roll!' They're like, 'Oh my God, these girls are crazy!' We're like, 'Doo-do-doo.' " I have no idea what offshoot of English this even is.
3. Lauren and Heidi
The nitwits of MTV's "The Hills." Lauren's so stupid she doesn't seem to grasp her boyfriend is cheating on her, even though he's cheating on her on national TV. And here's Heidi chirping about her dating theory: "In preschool is how you're gonna be the rest of your life. Because in preschool, I was like, 'I love you, I love you, I love you,' and I used to have a new boyfriend every five minutes in preschool. Yeah, and I used to make guys fight over me. So I'm gonna start doing that again! It worked then!"
4. Paula Abdul
The "American Idol" judge might be harboring some cognitive development we don't know about, but at this point she makes zero sense about half the time. This is why Simon Cowell is always rolling his eyes while mocking her. Paula claims she has never consumed alcohol in her life. Good thing. Could booze possibly make her dumber?
5. Ralph Wiggum
Ralph's an elementary school student, so maybe it's unfair to expect him to exercise an adult intellect. But what can come of a boy who says, "My cat's breath smells like cat food" and "Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours"?
6. The Comcast tiger dude
There's a guy in a commercial who (a) doesn't understand his tiger-stripe tattoos are permanent, and (b) thinks they can be removed simply by changing his phone service provider. Yet he appears to live in a nice house. Who gave this dillweed a job?
7. Paris Hilton
Why elaborate?
8. Susan
Teri Hatcher's character on "Desperate Housewives" isn't just oafish. She's a dunce of magnificent magnitude. Theoretically, any woman can accidentally lock herself out of her own house while fully nude and get stuck in a bush, I suppose. However, Susan did so with addle-brained gusto.
9. Pat O'Brien
He isn't a dope just because he got caught up in a drug-and-sex scandal, supposedly leaving naughty, uncreative phone messages for a female co-worker. He's mostly dumb because, well, listen to him on "The Insider." Lobotomy patients around the world must rejoice that someone like O'Brien (who hasn't even had a lobotomy!) has climbed the fame mountain, celebrating celebrity birthdays with a big, cheesy smile.
10. Randy
Earl's brother (Ethan Suplee) on "My Name Is Earl" once built a tree house -- as an adult -- and posted a wrongly spelled sign reading, "No Girls Allowed," while saying, "I pooped my pants" to a TV crew. It's a tough contest to win, but Randy is the chief moron on "Earl."
THE NEXT 10
11. Ty Pennington (at right) of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (but he's succeeded despite living with ADHD, so congrats, Ty)
12. Kendra from E!'s "The Girls Next Door" ("I need to get naked real quick!")
13. Mike "Probie" (Mike Lombardi) on "Rescue Me" (severely learning-disabled and lacks very basic communication skills)
14. Anyone on ABC's "October Road" (a hit show, I think, because people watch slack-jawed at its stupidity)
15. Kenneth the NBC page (Jack McBrayer) on "30 Rock" (once knitted a wool bikini for his grandmother)
16. Shaquille O'Neal of ABC's "Shaq's Big Challenge" (please don't beat me up for listing you, Shaq; personally I think you're fantastic)
17. Butters on "South Park" (sadly, he's also parentally abused and picked on by friends)
18. Barney of "The Simpsons" (he was Harvard smart until alcohol destroyed his brain)
19. David Hasselhoff (at right) of "America's Got Talent" (hmmm, apparently alcohol is becoming a theme in this list)
20. The briefcase models for "Deal or No Deal" (or maybe they're brilliant)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) of "30 Rock"
Whoever the president is on any given season of "24"
Kate (Evangeline Lilly) on "Lost"
Izzie (Katherine Heigl) on "Grey's Anatomy"
Homer Simpson
Chris on "Family Guy"
Kelly (Mindy Kaling) on "The Office"
Drama (Kevin Dillon) on "Entourage"
Rachael Ray
Carson Daly
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