If Jack Bauer took a day off
May 27, 2007
By Doug Elfman
Chicago Sun-Times
Jack Bauer hasn't gone to the bathroom in six years. Killing terrorists also has kept him from supermarkets, bars and bedroom romps. Next year, though, the makers of "24" are revamping the show. It's about time they give him relief from saving Los Angeles.
So here's how I think Jack's next 24 hours should go: a day off. The following takes place between 8 a.m. Christmas Eve and 8 a.m. Christmas Day.
8:00 A.M. Jack wakes up next to Chloe. "Hi, snooky bunny," he says. Chloe says, "Don't kiss me yet. I have puppy-dog breath." After some action, Chloe scrambles eggs, while Jack rifles through her iPod for a song that's not by Elton John or Coldplay.
9:00 A.M. Jack makes a list of all the people he's tortured harder than necessary. He finally goes to the bathroom for the rest of the hour, calling people on the list to offer amends. He realizes he's out of toilet paper and deodorant. "Damn it!"
10:00 A.M. Jack realizes all his clothes have bullet holes in them, and they're bloody and out of date. He drives to a shopping mall that is oddly only three minutes away, the exact length of a commercial break. He buys a knit cap he'll never wear. "I wonder if I'm a bandana guy."
11:00 A.M. Since Jack's phone always rings when he's sneaking up on bad guys, he spends an hour figuring out how to turn his mobile on vibrate. Considers new rate plan.
12:00 P.M. Jack drives to Starbucks and is amazed by all the people using laptops and mobile phones. "Doesn't anyone talk to each other anymore?" The 17-year-old girl behind the counter flirts with him. The 17-year-old boy who makes his caramel macchiato flirts with him. Later, he wishes he'd left a bigger tip.
1:00 P.M. For lunch, Jack meets his new literary agent, who wants him to write a tell-all, but Jack doesn't want to compromise the government, so he offers to pen a children's book about a terrorist-beating ferret whom the big dog bosses never listen to, even though he's always right.
2:00 P.M. Chloe calls. "Nooner?" Jack: "It's not noon. But yeah. Bring it on! I do have time for this!" In bed they play their little game: "You are gonna tell me what I wanna know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
3:00 P.M. Jack goes to the bathroom again. He remembers he's out of toilet paper. "Damn it!" He does laundry, but the washing machine overflows with suds. Hilarity ensues.
4:00 P.M. Jack meets Bill Buchanan for a feisty game of Putt-Putt Golf. Bill dismisses Jack's advice to bounce a putt off a clown's shoe, frustrating Jack. "I need you to trust me!"
5:00 P.M. Chloe meets Jack to exchange office gossip over an early supper. Jack's a sucker for an early bird special. Stirring his coffee, he almost accidentally substitutes anthrax for sugar.
6:00 P.M. The black-and-white episode. Jack naps and dreams he's back in the 1920s with the cast of the original "Star Trek."
7:00 P.M. The musical episode. Jack wakes from his nap to discover everything he and his crew say comes out in song, wonders why.
8:00 P.M. Jack cleans his condo and tries on Chloe's lingerie. She walks in awkwardly at exactly the moment he's drag-dancing in the living room. "Jack?!" She storms out in tears. "I don't even know who you are anymore!"
9:00 P.M. Jack decides to go to bed, but he can't sleep. So he organizes his iTunes and tries to find a good show on. "There is nothing on TV! Oh, hey, 'Law & Order's' on TNT. Aw, I've seen this one. But I can't remember how it ends."
10:00 P.M. Chinese spy baddie Cheng Zhi comes over for Christmas Eve cocktails. Jack threatens to torture him but decides against it. They accidentally get locked in a freezer, where each learns the other guy really isn't so bad.
11:00 P.M. Jack goes clubbing. Gets slipped ecstasy. Talks to cat. Dances, makes out with girl he's never seen before, stumbles home feeling "incredibly alive."
12:00 A.M. Jack calls Chloe and tells her he's rolling on "e." She brings him a government-secret "bring down" to counter the drug. Doesn't like his new hair gear. "Jack, you're so not a bandanna guy."
1:00 A.M. A very special "24." Jack's neighbor Michael Scofield is shocked to find Jack coming down from rolling on "e." Michael calls mutual friends, and they forge a sometimes wacky, sometimes touching intervention.
2:00 A.M. The intervention leaves Jack grumpy, depressed and angry. He passes out and is visited by three ghosts, the spirits of President Palmer, his dead wife Teri and late brother Graem. They show him his past, present and future. He wakes up giddy that it's still only 3 a.m. and leaves to try to find a honey-glazed turkey in the middle of the night.
3:00 A.M. He tries to prepare the Christmas turkey in a single-guy way. More hilarity.
4:00 A.M. The live episode, staged in front of a studio audience. People keep knocking on Jack's door, slamming doors, ridiculing his bandanna and his overinflated sense of national worth. Jack proposes to Chloe. Special guest star: Cloris Leachman!
5:00 A.M. Chloe says, "I do." The happy couple drives three minutes to the nearest wedding chapel to get married. They have trouble waking the ornery chapel owner. She pesters him to write his own vows. An ex of Jack's just happens to walk in during the part where the minister says, "If anyone objects to this union ..."
6:00 A.M. After honeymoon action, Chloe comes out of the bathroom with a pregnancy test in her hands. "I'm knocked up ... again!" Jack's already supporting the kid she had with Morris. So they argue over whether they can abide more kids, less sex.
7:00 A.M. Using secret government technology, Chloe accelerates her pregnancy, gives birth to nine-month-old ... twins! Jack, thinking ahead, already has presents for them under the tree, which he throws into the swimming pool for laughs.
delfman@suntimes.com
By Doug Elfman
Chicago Sun-Times
Jack Bauer hasn't gone to the bathroom in six years. Killing terrorists also has kept him from supermarkets, bars and bedroom romps. Next year, though, the makers of "24" are revamping the show. It's about time they give him relief from saving Los Angeles.
So here's how I think Jack's next 24 hours should go: a day off. The following takes place between 8 a.m. Christmas Eve and 8 a.m. Christmas Day.
8:00 A.M. Jack wakes up next to Chloe. "Hi, snooky bunny," he says. Chloe says, "Don't kiss me yet. I have puppy-dog breath." After some action, Chloe scrambles eggs, while Jack rifles through her iPod for a song that's not by Elton John or Coldplay.
9:00 A.M. Jack makes a list of all the people he's tortured harder than necessary. He finally goes to the bathroom for the rest of the hour, calling people on the list to offer amends. He realizes he's out of toilet paper and deodorant. "Damn it!"
10:00 A.M. Jack realizes all his clothes have bullet holes in them, and they're bloody and out of date. He drives to a shopping mall that is oddly only three minutes away, the exact length of a commercial break. He buys a knit cap he'll never wear. "I wonder if I'm a bandana guy."
11:00 A.M. Since Jack's phone always rings when he's sneaking up on bad guys, he spends an hour figuring out how to turn his mobile on vibrate. Considers new rate plan.
12:00 P.M. Jack drives to Starbucks and is amazed by all the people using laptops and mobile phones. "Doesn't anyone talk to each other anymore?" The 17-year-old girl behind the counter flirts with him. The 17-year-old boy who makes his caramel macchiato flirts with him. Later, he wishes he'd left a bigger tip.
1:00 P.M. For lunch, Jack meets his new literary agent, who wants him to write a tell-all, but Jack doesn't want to compromise the government, so he offers to pen a children's book about a terrorist-beating ferret whom the big dog bosses never listen to, even though he's always right.
2:00 P.M. Chloe calls. "Nooner?" Jack: "It's not noon. But yeah. Bring it on! I do have time for this!" In bed they play their little game: "You are gonna tell me what I wanna know. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
3:00 P.M. Jack goes to the bathroom again. He remembers he's out of toilet paper. "Damn it!" He does laundry, but the washing machine overflows with suds. Hilarity ensues.
4:00 P.M. Jack meets Bill Buchanan for a feisty game of Putt-Putt Golf. Bill dismisses Jack's advice to bounce a putt off a clown's shoe, frustrating Jack. "I need you to trust me!"
5:00 P.M. Chloe meets Jack to exchange office gossip over an early supper. Jack's a sucker for an early bird special. Stirring his coffee, he almost accidentally substitutes anthrax for sugar.
6:00 P.M. The black-and-white episode. Jack naps and dreams he's back in the 1920s with the cast of the original "Star Trek."
7:00 P.M. The musical episode. Jack wakes from his nap to discover everything he and his crew say comes out in song, wonders why.
8:00 P.M. Jack cleans his condo and tries on Chloe's lingerie. She walks in awkwardly at exactly the moment he's drag-dancing in the living room. "Jack?!" She storms out in tears. "I don't even know who you are anymore!"
9:00 P.M. Jack decides to go to bed, but he can't sleep. So he organizes his iTunes and tries to find a good show on. "There is nothing on TV! Oh, hey, 'Law & Order's' on TNT. Aw, I've seen this one. But I can't remember how it ends."
10:00 P.M. Chinese spy baddie Cheng Zhi comes over for Christmas Eve cocktails. Jack threatens to torture him but decides against it. They accidentally get locked in a freezer, where each learns the other guy really isn't so bad.
11:00 P.M. Jack goes clubbing. Gets slipped ecstasy. Talks to cat. Dances, makes out with girl he's never seen before, stumbles home feeling "incredibly alive."
12:00 A.M. Jack calls Chloe and tells her he's rolling on "e." She brings him a government-secret "bring down" to counter the drug. Doesn't like his new hair gear. "Jack, you're so not a bandanna guy."
1:00 A.M. A very special "24." Jack's neighbor Michael Scofield is shocked to find Jack coming down from rolling on "e." Michael calls mutual friends, and they forge a sometimes wacky, sometimes touching intervention.
2:00 A.M. The intervention leaves Jack grumpy, depressed and angry. He passes out and is visited by three ghosts, the spirits of President Palmer, his dead wife Teri and late brother Graem. They show him his past, present and future. He wakes up giddy that it's still only 3 a.m. and leaves to try to find a honey-glazed turkey in the middle of the night.
3:00 A.M. He tries to prepare the Christmas turkey in a single-guy way. More hilarity.
4:00 A.M. The live episode, staged in front of a studio audience. People keep knocking on Jack's door, slamming doors, ridiculing his bandanna and his overinflated sense of national worth. Jack proposes to Chloe. Special guest star: Cloris Leachman!
5:00 A.M. Chloe says, "I do." The happy couple drives three minutes to the nearest wedding chapel to get married. They have trouble waking the ornery chapel owner. She pesters him to write his own vows. An ex of Jack's just happens to walk in during the part where the minister says, "If anyone objects to this union ..."
6:00 A.M. After honeymoon action, Chloe comes out of the bathroom with a pregnancy test in her hands. "I'm knocked up ... again!" Jack's already supporting the kid she had with Morris. So they argue over whether they can abide more kids, less sex.
7:00 A.M. Using secret government technology, Chloe accelerates her pregnancy, gives birth to nine-month-old ... twins! Jack, thinking ahead, already has presents for them under the tree, which he throws into the swimming pool for laughs.
delfman@suntimes.com
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