'AMERICAN IDOL' | A lot of filler, tired old songs and the teen's victory over Blake. Did anyone see that coming? Well ...
May 24, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
I told you so. Two months ago, I said here that 17-year-old Jordin Sparks probably would win "American Idol" with her good, sappy singing, her tallness and the way she freakily smiles as if she's trying to win over her teddy bear.
She earned the crown Wednesday night, thanked her family, then sang-cried through her first single, the "Idol" original "This Is My Now."
The finale show was 128 minutes of dull-pain performances, filler and fake awards presented to previous "Idols."
The runner-up, Blake, beatboxed with rapper Doug E. Fresh, who begged the crowd, "Now screeeeeam." Oh, my soul was screaming.
Gladys Knight sang "Midnight Train to Georgia." She's been riding that train since 1973. "Idol" is so contemporary and all.
More spectacularly, failed contestants Sanjaya (the awful one) and Phil (or, as my friend Eve calls him, bald "Bat Boy" from the Weekly World News) sang backup to Smokey Robinson on "Tears of a Clown" (1966).
There were high points. A Beatles medley wasn't heinous. And Tony Bennett sang. He's the greatest living singer over 50. But my God, people. Can't you light Tony Bennett with bulbs that don't make his gray hair look purple? It's freaking Tony Bennett.
Failed auditioner Kenneth Briggs reappeared to glare his crazy platter-size eyes at "Idol" watchers again. He's the one Simon called a "bush baby" because those eyes are monkey-ish.
"I do not look like a monkey!" Monkey Boy said with his monkey mouth.
Every year, critics say "Idol's" ratings will freefall at any second. They're always wrong.
But this season did give JumpTheShark.com three big lows. Shark readers voted Sanjaya the No. 1 reason "Idol" became unwatchable. The No. 9 reason was the March 20 moment when a young female Sanjaya fan bawled in his presence. The "Idol Gives Back" episode is No. 8.
"Idol" feeds its own self-parody. Wednesday, Sanjaya got more performance time than the other booted failures. He creamed the Kinks' "You Really Got Me Now." It was terrrrible. Yet it was still better than previous "Idol" Taylor Hicks; on harmonica, Hicks blew, what's new?
That little Sanjaya fan showed up to cry some more. And Bette Midler sang "Wind Beneath My Wings," making audience member Jerry Springer teary. No shame. "Idol" is the wind breaking beneath America's things.
Polls that showed Blake would win were wrong. His most famous fans -- Ellen DeGeneres and the women of "The View" -- will be heartbroken.
The contestant who got ejected last week, Melinda, once again outsang the victors. By the way, I DVR'd "Idol" last week. When I watched the recording, I found that "Idol" ran late, so my DVR (and presumably many others) didn't record Melinda's phone-vote numbers -- only Blake's and Jordin's. Good going, Fox.
Both finalists and the winners of "Idol's" songwriting contest were from Seattle or auditioned there. Funny. In January, I asked Simon, "Is there one city you hope you never go back to for auditions?"
"We won't be going back to Seattle next year. I do like the city, I just hated the singers that turned up," he said.
Me, too, Simon. Me, too.
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
I told you so. Two months ago, I said here that 17-year-old Jordin Sparks probably would win "American Idol" with her good, sappy singing, her tallness and the way she freakily smiles as if she's trying to win over her teddy bear.
She earned the crown Wednesday night, thanked her family, then sang-cried through her first single, the "Idol" original "This Is My Now."
The finale show was 128 minutes of dull-pain performances, filler and fake awards presented to previous "Idols."
The runner-up, Blake, beatboxed with rapper Doug E. Fresh, who begged the crowd, "Now screeeeeam." Oh, my soul was screaming.
Gladys Knight sang "Midnight Train to Georgia." She's been riding that train since 1973. "Idol" is so contemporary and all.
More spectacularly, failed contestants Sanjaya (the awful one) and Phil (or, as my friend Eve calls him, bald "Bat Boy" from the Weekly World News) sang backup to Smokey Robinson on "Tears of a Clown" (1966).
There were high points. A Beatles medley wasn't heinous. And Tony Bennett sang. He's the greatest living singer over 50. But my God, people. Can't you light Tony Bennett with bulbs that don't make his gray hair look purple? It's freaking Tony Bennett.
Failed auditioner Kenneth Briggs reappeared to glare his crazy platter-size eyes at "Idol" watchers again. He's the one Simon called a "bush baby" because those eyes are monkey-ish.
"I do not look like a monkey!" Monkey Boy said with his monkey mouth.
Every year, critics say "Idol's" ratings will freefall at any second. They're always wrong.
But this season did give JumpTheShark.com three big lows. Shark readers voted Sanjaya the No. 1 reason "Idol" became unwatchable. The No. 9 reason was the March 20 moment when a young female Sanjaya fan bawled in his presence. The "Idol Gives Back" episode is No. 8.
"Idol" feeds its own self-parody. Wednesday, Sanjaya got more performance time than the other booted failures. He creamed the Kinks' "You Really Got Me Now." It was terrrrible. Yet it was still better than previous "Idol" Taylor Hicks; on harmonica, Hicks blew, what's new?
That little Sanjaya fan showed up to cry some more. And Bette Midler sang "Wind Beneath My Wings," making audience member Jerry Springer teary. No shame. "Idol" is the wind breaking beneath America's things.
Polls that showed Blake would win were wrong. His most famous fans -- Ellen DeGeneres and the women of "The View" -- will be heartbroken.
The contestant who got ejected last week, Melinda, once again outsang the victors. By the way, I DVR'd "Idol" last week. When I watched the recording, I found that "Idol" ran late, so my DVR (and presumably many others) didn't record Melinda's phone-vote numbers -- only Blake's and Jordin's. Good going, Fox.
Both finalists and the winners of "Idol's" songwriting contest were from Seattle or auditioned there. Funny. In January, I asked Simon, "Is there one city you hope you never go back to for auditions?"
"We won't be going back to Seattle next year. I do like the city, I just hated the singers that turned up," he said.
Me, too, Simon. Me, too.
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