Smart kids caught in the act on '5th Grader'

March 8, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
The Chicago Sun-Times
It's not exactly a scandal, but the precocious fifth-graders who star in the new hit quiz show "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" appear to be child actors.
Fox doesn't mention this on the show, on its Web site or in press releases. It was a reader, Mark Kiely, who alerted me, saying his wife, Julie, noticed little Laura had appeared in Comedy Central's "The Sarah Silverman Program."
Sure enough, Laura Marano's got her own Imdb.com page of credits including "Huff," "Dexter" and eight episodes of "Without a Trace." Clearly, Fox wouldn't trust any fifth-grader (certainly not yours) to handle the pressure of being a cast member on a TV show. Only the steadiest 11-year-old actors will do.
A Fox spokesman assures me the five kids aren't getting any help to answer questions before or during episodes.
Of course, it's not the fifth-graders who need clues. It's the adults.
On last Thursday's episode, a phone sales representative named Larry almost got this first-grade question wrong: "How many times does the letter 'e' appear in the following phrase? Pledge of allegiance."
Afterward, he botched another question: How many teaspoons go into five tablespoons? He paused a long time to figure his wrong answer. He went, "Two times five equals ..."
Pause, pause, pause.
Terrorists: Please don't watch this show. And if you do, we're not all this dumb.
But America does love bumbling contestants. Last week's three episodes of "5th Grader" were the fourth-, fifth- and sixth-most popular shows on TV, bested only by three episodes of its lead-in, "American Idol."
I don't have a problem with a TV show that profits in panicked people feeling pressure to win $1 million. I'm used to TV (and Howard Stern, who employed this style of adult-kid faceoff years ago).
If "5th Grader" flips your skirt, more power to you. But I lose patience with yet another quiz show stretching two minutes' worth of questions into a full hour. If the pacing were half as fast as "Jeopardy!," I might give "Smarter" as much as three stars.
But it took three minutes and 36 seconds of show time (plus a commercial break) before Larry was told if he passed the teaspoon situation. (A fifth-grader bailed him out.) In all, Larry and another contestant, Susan, fully answered 10 questions.
Riddle me this. If you were playing a board game with friends at home, would you be satisfied to go through five elementary questions every half hour?
Obviously, the appeal of "5th Grader" isn't the questions. It's supposed to be the suspense among confused adults, the cuteness of the kids and the condescension of host Jeff Foxworthy, who holds contestants' idiotic feet to the idiotic fire.
Larry told Foxworthy he wanted to win big so he could buy a Lamborghini and coat it in camouflage.
"That makes a lot of sense," Foxworthy teased. "Import a quarter-million-dollar car, and then paint it where nobody can see it."
I've interviewed Foxworthy. He seems smart. And his popularity is propelling ratings. He has used non-adult "redneck" routines to sell more comedy albums than anyone, beating Richard Pryor, Steve Martin and Cheech & Chong.
But when the king of rednecks becomes the new Howie Mandel in a snail-paced show -- where child actors outsmart a woman who can't recall how many U.S. states border the Pacific -- I think I'm that much closer to tossing myself in it.

RECENT HIGHLIGHTS
'TRUE OR FALSE? WALRUSES ARE NATIVE TO THE ARCTIC.'
Contestant Larry, a 31-year-old phone sales rep, doesn't know, so he "peeks" at fifth-grader Jacob's correct answer, "true."
"I was leaning that way myself," Larry says.
"Sure you were," host Jeff Foxworthy mocks.
Time it took for this question to play out: Two minutes and 45 seconds.
'HOW MANY U.S. STATES BORDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN?'
Contestant Susan, a 38-year-old mother and real estate agent, counts Washington, Oregon and California, then answers "three." Fifth-grader Spencer answers correctly with "five" to "save" Susan, who then remembers Hawaii and Alaska.
Time it took for this question to play out: A minute and 35 seconds.
'WHAT IS THE LARGEST SPECIES OF BEAR?'
Susan isn't sure, so she cheats off fifth-grader Laura, who answers correctly: "polar bear."
Time it took for this question to play out: Two minutes and 26 seconds, plus a commercial interruption.