TV characters who should be in jail

February 25, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
I occasionally view TV characters as a prosecutor might, probably because I started in journalism as a cops and courts reporter. The other week on "Veronica Mars," Veronica hired a friend to steal and crush the car of a female rival. Bad Veronica!
All I could think was, "Veronica, that's a criminal enterprise. You're gonna get yourself in unnecessary trouble."
Veronica changed her mind (after it was stolen, before it was crushed). Still, the possibility that "Veronica's" main character (a well-meaning private investigator) could join the ranks of the criminal minds on TV got me thinking: There are a lot of main characters on TV who should be in prison.
In some shows, like "The Sopranos," they're half-glorified, half-vilified (the stuff of anti-heroes). In others, criminals are just absurd (like Homer Simpson). But in some, particularly "The Shield" and the awesome "Dexter," murderers are posed as likable protagonists.
More good-guy bad guys are coming soon. Starting Monday, NBC's "The Black Donnellys" follows the chipper but dark lives of young guys in a murderous organized crime group. They deserve to be in prison instead of carousing on the streets of New York. And "The Riches," a good show starting March 12 on FX, stars Minnie Driver and Eddie Izzard as grifters raising their kids in the house of a dead couple. Identity thieves!
So, herewith, are other TV heroes I think Jack McCoy could prosecute in upcoming episodes of "Law & Order: TV Criminals."
'Heroes'
(8 p.m. Mondays, NBC)
Claire's dad, the one with the horn-rimmed eyeglasses (producers call him "HRG"), has at the very least falsely imprisoned Sylar, the evil guy. Granted, cops wouldn't know what to do with Sylar's superpowerful ways. But still, this is felonious. Also, Nikki is a killer. She did turn herself in, but the cops let her out.
'The Sopranos'
(Returning April 8 to HBO)
Almost every character is a murderer, a mobster or an accomplice to something untoward. The series wraps with nine upcoming episodes. Tony should end up behind bars, as should just about everyone else.
'Prison Break'
(7 p.m. Mondays, Fox)
All the fugitives on the run should by law go back to jail, including brothers Michael and Lincoln. They're the good guys, yes, but Michael really did hold up a bank (regardless of good intentions), and they both broke out of prison, which is not legal.
'The Shield'
(Returning April 3 on FX)
The main characters are bad cops who kill suspects vigilante-style and who have even killed cops. They are not nice people -- nor law-abiding.
'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'
(Returning on FX this summer)
On this absurd comedy, characters have used crack cocaine and torched a guy's business. Actually, the torchers were busted and put on probation. So it takes TV's crassest (and one of its funniest) series to exhibit criminal consequences.
'The Knights of Prosperity'
(7:30 p.m. Wednesdays, ABC)
The gang is conspiring to rob Mick Jagger's apartment. They've already broken into and entered Mick's office building, among other things. Crime shouldn't pay. Mick earned that apartment!
'Lost'
(9 p.m. Wednesdays, ABC)
Several characters have shot and killed others on bizarro "Gilligan's Island." There's been blackmail and false imprisonment, among many other offenses. They're lucky there's no police department on their deserted isle.
'Shark'
(9 p.m. Thursdays, CBS)
James Woods' lawyer character has used unsavory and perhaps illegal methods in court, certainly back when he was a defense attorney, and possibly now that he's a prosecutor. Just because Shark puts away felons doesn't mean he's not one himself.
'My Name Is Earl'
(7 p.m. Thursdays, NBC)
Sure, Earl, Randy and Joy are mostly upstanding citizens now, but they used to break laws weekly (if not daily). Once Earl finishes making amends to his prior victims (the reason for the show), he should turn himself in.
'ER'
(9:01 p.m. Thursdays, NBC)
At the very least, nurse Samantha Taggart should get locked up for shooting her ex-husband to death. OK, fine, I was rooting for her to kill him. He raped her after kidnapping her and her kid. But legally, she should have continued to escape (she was home free) instead of doubling back to kill him while he slept.
'Desperate Housewives'
(8 p.m. Sundays, ABC)
Bree's son Andrew vehicular-homicided Carlos' mom. Edie set fire to Susan's house. And Bree's hubby Orson tried to hit-and-run Mike to death. The sequel can be called "Desperado Housewives."
'The Simpsons'
(7 p.m. Sundays, Fox)
Homer has broken so many laws, it's hard to keep count. For starters, he's vandalized a school, stolen half of Ned Flanders' possessions and caused a nuclear meltdown. A judge should order him to a lifetime of rehab and community service.
'Family Guy'
(8 p.m. Sundays, Fox)
One-year-old Stewie has shot his dog Brian in the foot to try to get out of the Army, shot down children flying helicopters, operated as a loan shark, attempted to murder his mother, tried to blow up the world and engaged in many other nefarious plans. He could plead to being an insane genius in juvenile court.
'South Park'
(New episodes on Comedy Central in spring)
The little rascals have committed a series of petty thefts and conspiracies, not to mention Cartman's various financial plots to trick people out of money. Delinquents.
'Hustle'
(Returning to AMC on April 18)
It's about a gang of con artists. Next.
'Big Love'
(Returning to HBO this summer)
A guy married to three women. That's called polygamy, a crime even in Utah.
'Weeds'
(Returning to Showtime this summer)
Nancy is a single mom ... and a dope dealer! She'd better throw herself at the mercy of the court someday.
'The Wire'
(Returning to HBO later this year)
Kids deal drugs, and they're killers and thieves. Who shouldn't go to jail from this bunch?
'Dexter'
(Returning to Showtime later this year)
Dexter is a serial killer. The prosecution rests.
delfman@suntimes.com