But it's better than 'Lost'
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork
Playing "Lost Planet" is like going on a date with a really hot dummy. Look how gorgeous! But so stupid!
The choice: Do you put up with a pretty moron to engage in promising action-adventure? Or is the idiocy so pure it'll ruin your happy fun times?
The Hot Dumb game is a type of game that comes along frequently. Hot Dumb "Lost Planet" does have redeeming merits. But first, let's look at a checklist of attributes, so typical of the Hot Dumb Shooting Adventure subgenre.
A) All the characters have terrific hair.
B) Everyone looks 25 percent Asian.
C) At least one skinny yet curvy woman, despite standing in a freezing tundra of snow and ice, is wearing a big thick coat that ill-advisably does not cover her ample cleavage.
D) A simplistic yet confusing story line takes place among space colonies.
Here, humans must shoot elephant-sized aliens named the "Akrid scourge." They appear to be menacing and curious-looking, as if they were giant scorpions in the process of mating with monster-truck tires. Yes, in the process.
To kill this scourge, you shoot them in the butt (really) and eat their soul (I am being totally for-real).
Furthermore: Don't be surprised if you suffer "temporary amnesia" and encounter "snow pirates."
E) The dialogue stinks.
"You want some of this?" you say, while machine-gunning an alien ne'er-do-well. Apparently, your father dies (I wasn't 100 percent sure about this, since it's a sloppy plot point), and you yell, "Daaad!" These are perhaps the two most compelling sentences in the game.
What is it with these fantasy, sci-fi games? They cost millions of dollars to make. As many as 100 people per game draw the computer programs. So why not hire better writers?
Story lines and conversations are corny, childish and canny: the Three Stinky C's of intellectually challenged video games.
That's the bad.
The good is considerable. Remember, you went on this date for a reason.
The makers of "Lost Planet" have used their drawing skills to develop phenomenal-looking spectacles and scenes, featuring fun guns, cartoon-photorealism and many hours of action. The online multiplayer modes offer up decent, if murkily lighted, battles where you respawn back to life after chatty punks kill you.
It is, for sure, somewhat addicting to run across terrain, blowing up ground-based and flying aliens with shotguns and rocket launchers (plus, a supreme scope rifle). It's cool, exploding big bugs with hand grenades and stepping into an SUV-size man suit (a "Vital Suit") equipped with machine guns and hover rockets.
There is one Hot Dumb commonality "Lost Planet" cannot avoid, because all games are like this: Its challenges seem difficult at first. But once you figure out what you're supposed to do on a given map of alien-rampaging, the violence becomes easy, if cheesy.
And after all, what defines a good game is not dialogue or originality but game play. It's fun to dance with. Just because you've dated similar, luxurious-haired, 25-percent Asian Hot Dumbs doesn't mean this Hot Dumb won't impress you with luster and fast moves.
("Lost Planet" for Xbox 360 -- Plays fun despite being very typical of the sci-fi genre. Looks great. Moderately challenging. Rated "T" for animated blood, mild language and violence. Three stars out of four.)
The Game Dork
Playing "Lost Planet" is like going on a date with a really hot dummy. Look how gorgeous! But so stupid!
The choice: Do you put up with a pretty moron to engage in promising action-adventure? Or is the idiocy so pure it'll ruin your happy fun times?
The Hot Dumb game is a type of game that comes along frequently. Hot Dumb "Lost Planet" does have redeeming merits. But first, let's look at a checklist of attributes, so typical of the Hot Dumb Shooting Adventure subgenre.
A) All the characters have terrific hair.
B) Everyone looks 25 percent Asian.
C) At least one skinny yet curvy woman, despite standing in a freezing tundra of snow and ice, is wearing a big thick coat that ill-advisably does not cover her ample cleavage.
D) A simplistic yet confusing story line takes place among space colonies.
Here, humans must shoot elephant-sized aliens named the "Akrid scourge." They appear to be menacing and curious-looking, as if they were giant scorpions in the process of mating with monster-truck tires. Yes, in the process.
To kill this scourge, you shoot them in the butt (really) and eat their soul (I am being totally for-real).
Furthermore: Don't be surprised if you suffer "temporary amnesia" and encounter "snow pirates."
E) The dialogue stinks.
"You want some of this?" you say, while machine-gunning an alien ne'er-do-well. Apparently, your father dies (I wasn't 100 percent sure about this, since it's a sloppy plot point), and you yell, "Daaad!" These are perhaps the two most compelling sentences in the game.
What is it with these fantasy, sci-fi games? They cost millions of dollars to make. As many as 100 people per game draw the computer programs. So why not hire better writers?
Story lines and conversations are corny, childish and canny: the Three Stinky C's of intellectually challenged video games.
That's the bad.
The good is considerable. Remember, you went on this date for a reason.
The makers of "Lost Planet" have used their drawing skills to develop phenomenal-looking spectacles and scenes, featuring fun guns, cartoon-photorealism and many hours of action. The online multiplayer modes offer up decent, if murkily lighted, battles where you respawn back to life after chatty punks kill you.
It is, for sure, somewhat addicting to run across terrain, blowing up ground-based and flying aliens with shotguns and rocket launchers (plus, a supreme scope rifle). It's cool, exploding big bugs with hand grenades and stepping into an SUV-size man suit (a "Vital Suit") equipped with machine guns and hover rockets.
There is one Hot Dumb commonality "Lost Planet" cannot avoid, because all games are like this: Its challenges seem difficult at first. But once you figure out what you're supposed to do on a given map of alien-rampaging, the violence becomes easy, if cheesy.
And after all, what defines a good game is not dialogue or originality but game play. It's fun to dance with. Just because you've dated similar, luxurious-haired, 25-percent Asian Hot Dumbs doesn't mean this Hot Dumb won't impress you with luster and fast moves.
("Lost Planet" for Xbox 360 -- Plays fun despite being very typical of the sci-fi genre. Looks great. Moderately challenging. Rated "T" for animated blood, mild language and violence. Three stars out of four.)
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