Of Fiona Apple and juvenile delinquents

January 31, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic
Chicago Sun-Times
Lately, I've been crushing on the melodic genius of two Fiona Apple songs, "Extraordinary Machine" and "Not About Love." (I'll get to MTV's "Juvies," I swear, just hold on a second.)
Fiona was a teenager when she wrote and sang "The First Taste" and "Sullen Girl" with a wise interpretation you'd expect not of a child but of a two-time divorcee who'd buried her whole family after a bludgeoning.
Fiona's all of 29 now, and I can barely believe she or anyone else wields the quill skills to draw this recent line: "It doesn't make sense I should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown." Or this one: "Be kind to me or treat me mean/I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine."
(I'm almost to "Juvies." Promise.)
I can't help but covet Fiona's gifts. I was once a scholarship musician. I'm a college-trained writer working at the best columnists' newspaper in the country.
Yet, I can't think of a sentence I wrote, or a concert I performed, that I enjoyed as much as listening to a dozen songs by Fiona, who did not go to college but who sat in her room for chunks of her childhood crafting lyrics and music to fulfill a desire.
So here I am watching "Juvies," a new MTV documentary series that follows various delinquents in Crown Point, Ind. And a 16-year-old runaway named Sara says she's sad to be stuck in kiddie jail because, "I was supposed to try out for 'American Idol' this year."
When I hear Sara say this, I condescend that she doesn't embrace the noble/elitist (take your pick) goal of studying formally to become a master singer like Fiona Apple, as a preparation to audition for "Idol."
Surprise, surprise. A Pew poll in January said the No. 1 goal of four out of five people between Sara's age and 25 is to be rich. Half said their No. 2 goal is to be famous. I can't imagine why they wouldn't rather toil to become a Fiona Apple (I would -- I want that brain) unless they think of her merely as a thin celebrity who lucked out in life.
Everyone on TV, even imprisoned children, aspires to win, not earn, fame and fortune. That's probably why these juvies agreed to let their faces be shown while they were incarcerated.
I'm torn about Sara and the children to come on "Juvies." A) They're a mess; why should I care? B) They're only kids; I couldn't wait to grow up, either; I can't blame them. (They remind me of two teen friends who dropped acid and busted car windows and played mailbox baseball. One was caught; one wasn't.)
Caring about the subjects of this series is necessary, since the show looks and feels fairly standard for MTV's documentary department, which means it's more interesting than entertaining (that's good; documentaries should be enlightening first, fun if possible).
One of the tricks of viewing the show will be guessing if the juvies are lying when they claim to be innocent by rehearsed degrees. (How many times have you been lied to? Today? By adults or children?)
Anyway, I'm not a fan of juvies, but "Juvies" is more serious and less exploitative than it could have been, if not endearing. It's possible there's a Fiona in there somewhere, but I doubt it. An "American Idol"? More likely, statistically speaking.
Either way, the first two featured juvies of "Juvies" proclaim they never want to find trouble again. The way Fiona put that sentiment, when she was about their age, was "I suddenly feel like a different person/From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion/And I ran my hands over a strange inversion/A vacancy that just did not belong; The child is gone."
See what I mean? Am I expecting too much of the world to produce more Fionas and adore them?